Firsts are frightening, but you have to be grateful for them
Do you remember who gave you your first opportunity at something? The first shot at tattooing someone? The first try at playing the drums professionally? The first ride you gave after getting your license? The first attempt to organize an event by yourself? The first job you were hired?
I’m about to start a freelance gig I’ve never done before. I’m literally writing this post as anxiety builds up because I know as soon as I’m done here, I’ll have to open the file and start working on that project. It’s something I’m pretty sure I know how to do, but since I’ve never done before, I’m extremely afraid of messing up.
A few days ago, I was talking to a friend, and I mentioned that I was doing this job. I told her I wish I could take some classes on how to do it before, but then I quickly corrected myself — not only have I majored in Creative Writing in college, but I also did take extra courses on revision and copyediting.
There is nothing more I could study before finally attempting it for real. I have all the theory, but I need to finally start doing it.
It doesn’t matter how much you practice before you’re finally hired to do something. All you’ve done before suddenly feels silly and unprofessional, or flat out lousy. Someone tries to motivate you, “you’ve been doing this for a long time! You can do it!” and all you can think is that you’ve never properly done it — not professionally anyway.
There’s something that feels wrong about being paid to do a task you’ve done for free for a long time — like your job is not worthy of anyone’s money. And you keep telling yourself you need more practice before you can charge someone, but what you don’t realize is that you’ll only get this practice by being hired.
Because, unconsciously, nothing you’ve done for free before is considered practice for you.
It’s a great vicious cycle, a comfortable position to be at if you’re someone who’s afraid of your own potential. You don’t consider anything that you’ve done for free as practice, but you’re also certain you need practice before you charge anyone.
Then comes that one person who’s sure you can do it. They trust your potential in a way you don’t think you’ll ever be able to. You refuse their offer at first, but they insist. They want to hire you because they know what you’re capable of.
I wish we could all have that person in those important moments of our lives.
That person who’s going to push you, who’s not going to let you fool yourself into thinking you’re not prepared. That person who’s going to insist that they want you to do the job, not anybody else. That person who’s going to pay your price and not even ask for a discount because they know your worth.
I’ve had a few of those in my life. People who gave me first chances when I wasn’t sure I’d give them myself. Looking back, I know I never failed them, but that doesn’t stop me from being scared of screwing up now.
I’m wrapping this post up grateful for the opportunities I was given and anxious for what lies ahead. And now, I need to stop writing here because I have my first book to revise.
